-seraphic secret-

the walk of shame

2011-01-08T18:57:00.003+08:00

i embrace myself today
to this moment i reflect
have i lost my mind?
i asked myself
or maybe i have lost myself
this battle inside i'm fighting
all this feelings of shame
i keep it to myself
no where to go no where to hide
possibly the worst ever
i'm not sure of what i should do
no one knows, no one to talk to
i feel this burning shame deep within
something that i cant run away from
i hate myself i hate my life
i guess i understand the consequences
maybe this is my punishment
so quiet my hearts so lonely
but no tears can make this right
i want to stare into nothingness
and walk my pain away,
smoke a cigarette or two
as the breeze comforts me.
sounds like a great plan
who knows maybe i can find a little peace there.

it was just a dream..

2010-09-20T16:02:00.003+08:00

I was thinking about her

Thinking bout me

Thinkin bout us (us)

What we gunna be?

Open my eyes, (Yeah)

it was only just a dream...

i wish it was just a dream..

cause then i can just open my eyes and all the pain would disappear!

its that moment again..

2010-09-18T23:44:00.000+08:00

well this the time when i need to let things out my chest and i have no one to turn to.. i hate the fact that i have to always end up this way.. why would you say no when you havent even try? why? i dont remember when i dont even try.. i just feel stupid.. the face the smile?why? i just feel so out of place.. maybe i am stupid. in times like this is when i need a helping hand is when you say no i dont know when you dont even try. i dont know.. maybe i cant take no for an answer.. or maybe im just desperate for an answer.. when it is not your work then its fun time for you and you seem to not give a shit. do you even care? i feel sad.. sometimes im just this annoying thing that you cant seem to get rid off because you love me so much. but wait is it love? or Lust? i wonder till today sometimes.. cause when you "need" me to then you come around when you dont, you just dont give a shit whether im doing well or not, or do i need help? i dont get it sometimes.. i know you've helped many times but its not that i am not aware.. i know sometimes im dependent on you, but doesnt it occur to you maybe sometimes i have no other choice.. oh god.. i dont know what else to say.. i just feel like screaming and breaking things.. punching a wall maybe.. or just drive onto a wall.. i feel so low.. do always gives a shit about having fun! give it a break there are more important things than having fun!

2010-01-23T14:52:00.002+08:00

i guess this is time when i learn to keep pulling myself back together.. all that is happening.. are just crap..i just wanna go somewhere and disappear for a while.. look back to the sweet memories and move on to forget the bad ones.. but its difficult.. i'm tired of doing this.. i'm tired of feeling so shit..

everyone is changing.. mayb i am changing too.. my days seem so dull.. and boring.. everything seem black and white.. nothing exciting.. i love being at home but i hate it at the same time.. i want to go out but i dont want to.. i dont even know what i want anymore.. everything i do now is all because i have to do it..things that i want to do.. sometimes hurts me. not physically but maybe emotionally..

and honestly i dont know what else to write anymore.. this is crap too... im angry im sad.. im hurt im blur im lost, im dull and boring. i dont have any enthusiasm to do anything.. what the fuck!

-an image not to be forgotten-

2009-12-06T22:04:00.005+08:00

As it was said in the Bible, " for God so love the world, He gave his only begotten son..for who ever who believes in Him shall not parish but have eternal life"(John 3:16)

He walked the journey of faith,

this land of impurities,

full of temptation and sin

He was a faithful servant of God

our God of mercy and love

Hes one whose full of Love

just like our God, hes always has open arms

reaching out to people in many ways,

touching lives that no one could imagine.

He is now at a better place,

for many of us, Hes like a "father, friend, brother"

He will never be forgotten

memories of him will we cherish till we meet him again..

Uncle Ben, may his soul rest in Peace!

the DOORMAT??

2009-12-01T02:17:00.003+08:00

It doesn't matter anymore..

Because the words you say are just words..

Is it I who has to always compromise??

Or its up to You to decide??

Being put in a corner of Your mind..

I don't care its just fine..

I'm used to Your pathetic game..

Like i said its not mine for me to have the fame..

I'm not going to whine and complain..

I'll just bare with all the hurt and pain..

Your cold words and offensive responds

Gives you the trill in this worthless spawn..

How ever great of an appreciation I am..

Tell me again if I am even your FRIEND..

-the blank book girl-

2009-10-13T13:33:00.002+08:00

it bleeds and weep i wandered off in pain

is there a way to ever stop it?

so much of love have been expressed

but do i still need to show?

so much anger is kept away

all because i have nothing else to say

it hurts so bad i cry inside

my cheeks are drench i wipe and wipe

the tears of heartache i hate to shed

who is this pale looking girl who wants to share

her joy, her smile,and her laughter's ,

her sorrows, her tears and her fears

pathetic she looked from across the street

standing all alone with a blank book indeed

pointless, and hopeless she looked away

all alone she wandered off again

no choice but to just move on

life is bitter sweet i should know by now

my words are left unspoken

worthless i feel, my feelings are eaten

she's always in the wrong i guess

punishment that is what is best

emotionally she is weaken by love

just say what u want and prove your points

it doesn't matter what ever you want to do

just do as you please and get it through

my heart don't matter because i have no say

what ever i do i will definitely get the blame

i try so hard to contain everything

but i know someday i will burst and go insane

-silent-

2009-10-08T02:41:00.004+08:00

In this moment of other’s bliss

A part of me is drowning in my own sorrows

I cant understand why or how

My feelings are just unstoppable

I try and try to contain all in

But at the end it all just explodes inside

It hurts me deep within

I cant continue lying to myself

At this point of life

Never have i thought of a time like this

I never thought i need them

but now i realize and i wished have some

its crazy and its disturbing me mentally and emotionally

i have no one apart from him

i guess its just my destiny to live a life like this

im just a mistake thats all i knw

a mistake that cannot be made right

-my lost-

2009-03-28T21:24:00.005+08:00

a walk to remember

for all the times we were together

as i took a walk down to memory lane

seem like it was just yesterday

the laughters.. the smiles..

the journey has been miles..

flashes of bliss

moments i will always cherish

the bumpy ride we had

all the tears we shared

till the very last moment

we bared with all the torments

i had no idea how much it hurts

to loose somethings that means the world

seeing that being sailed away

has made me paralyzed inside in many ways....

-unforgiven-

2009-03-23T13:45:00.004+08:00

in a mess that no one could see
i drown myself in my own misery
i look back to reflect all my deeds
and i see that theres nothing left for me
i cant figure out how do i move on from here
the airways are all block with my fears
the moment that i decide to soar
i fall and i lost it all
now as i sit and express my inside
im stuck in the middle like a floating kite
everything suppress and lock up within
there i go with a fake mask with loads of pins
tyring so hard to hide from thee
i cant prolonged this grief in me
broken arrows and spoken words
are just as meaningless as my world
the feeling of impair i kept away
my mortal soul has gone astray
im standing here statically
wishing if i had a second chance to correct my deeds.

23march2009
2.44pm

nightmare of a dream

2009-01-28T22:17:00.007+08:00

i fell asleep one day,
and woke up in a nightmare..
all dark and silent..
i couldnt hear even the wind..
i was lost..
how did i ended up here..
so many questions..
they were all haunting me..
destroying me inside out slowly..
a nightmare that i cant escape..
i feel my legs being chained..
my mouth been shut..
i cant move..
neither breath like i should..
everything seem so slow..
i feel so cold from within..
i kept on walking..
there was no end..
all i could see is a pitch black windy road..
so deep it flows..
i couldnt imagine where does it go..
i forgot all my step..
i left myself in my dreams..
reality hates me,
im like the empty vase..
i cant wake up from this..
i feel insanely in pain inside..

Details in a Fabric

2009-01-25T00:48:00.004+08:00

where do i start..
the fabric??or the details??
theres so much that the fabrics has..
and the details are just so hard to understand..
no words could define..
its just so beautiful..
yet deep in the fabric there are thorns..
piercing through the details..
breaking every single tread that holds the fabric..
how much passion in the details..
perfect embroidery to go with the perfect fabric..
but the details fading..
slowly it has to go..
i cant never understand the taylor..
or should i call it the artist..
theres just so much to comprehend..
no one can possibly understand..
it was once glowing..
but now it has been washed off the fabric..
washed off by the rain..
during a storm in a gloomy day..
and now the fabric is empty..
it has lost its beauty..

christmas..

2008-12-13T01:15:00.002+08:00

tell me again what is christmas..??
i kinda feel the spirit of christmas fading.. somehow people around me doesnt appreciate christmas as much.. or maybe they do but in their own ways of not sharing the spirit of christmas by spending time with loved ones and family and also doing things together.. i dont knw how to express my feelings.. but i can tell im not really enjoying this christmas month.. i hate it cause every year is the same shit for my family...dad comes bak n takes us for shopping n bla bla bla decorate the tree and he leaves and then christmas comes.. we go to church and then open presents and bak to normal.. thats it.. and so i thought this year would be diff since my dad will not be coming back.. we'll be going over after christmas.. and we get to do stuff that we never did before and have fun with each other... but i realize things are just almost the same.. theres no togetherness at all.. i feel like christmas is a burden to people.. all they wanna do is get done with it quick.. and sometimes just doing for the sake of doing it.. and then when it comes to presents.. christmas is not about presents.. but at the same time when u plan to get something for someone.. think first is it relevant... if it is not.. might as well dont give... cause its not about the presents.. its whats your intention before you even think of getting someone a gift.. i knw i sound like im bebeling alot.. but this is true..

honestly i just wan an awesome christmas..i want to experience what i should have experienced when i was a kid..my dad never cared about christmas.. to him he thinks he can buy me love.. which he is so wrong.. cause theres so much more that he could have given as a dad.. but he never and maybe cause he couldnt or he didnt knw...oh well i cant do anything right... in my head this whole time is a picture of all my loved ones together decorating and preparing the home for christmas.. and while this is happening we are all so happy that the picture seem so perfect.. but i guess i can never be in that picture.. i dont knw what else to do..

i feel so kid-ish but i guess thats how i am.. i value alot of things.. and alot of things are all based on priciples.. what ever u do is all about the priciples u applied..ohh well.. christmas.. tell me again if u know what does christmas means.. ???

friends?? or??

2008-11-04T00:36:00.015+08:00

Its funny how ppl can change so easily..In life.. i believe many ppl walk in and out of each others lives.. only the ones that really matters stays.. Its so hard to tell whether that person is the one that will be there for you tomro.. even if theyre there for you tomro,will they be there for you the day after tomro..??

I have a lot of experiences in this kind of situation.. Many ppl have stepped in and then out of my life.. and although I may care for that person so much, that person may not feel the same.. it is difficult to accept these facts..especially if the person that means the most to you decides to walk out of your life... what im saying here is not about dating people.. its about FRIENDS... bestfriends,closefriends,childhood friends,peeps, buddy and etc.. what ever you call them..as your friends..

It is quite depressing when ever someone so dear decides to distant themselves.. is as good as breaking up.. Honestly I am sick of this unpleasant acts.. somehow it becomes a fear to trust people.. a fear to be good friends or bestfriends... because all you'll think about is what had happened to your pass relationship with people who walks out of your life.. everyday is like a nightmare.. everything that i do will somehow remind me of whatever good and bad times that we had together..music.. places.. food.. on the road.. parties.. drinks.. clothes.. work.. people that i meet.. cars.. and etc..

i have a few questions that i may never get to knw of the answers... how do ppl feel, when they decide to walk out..?? dont they feel guilty for doing so..?? what did i do to deserve this kind of treatment..?? is it worth it..?? why?? how can you change totally for one person that you are not even sure of?? how can u betray everyone that have been there for you in times of need..?? how can you wake up every morning thinking that you have done the right thing by ditching all your love ones..?? do they ever regret??

nowadays man kind are selfish creatures.. they all think for themselves.. for theyre own happiness and wealth.. outside that circle it doesnt matter at all.. well that is one thing that will never make things better..

most of the time i decide not to care.. but not this time.. what im feeling right now.. life is totally unfair.. the one person i care the most, is the only person that have let me down, and left a mark in me for life.. whether or not things will get back to normal.. only god knows.. sometimes i feel like giving up hope.. but sometimes its good to have hope.. cause i believe that hope gives me faith.. and faith keeps me strong..

think about it.. i have been thinking since the first day shit happens.. and i never thought i would write it down but i finally did.. and this is what i think..

by valene

cheers..

an expression of Hurt

2008-10-28T00:31:00.004+08:00

as sit and write this blog.. its more of expressing my feelings that i have kept it inside me for a very long time.. i don't know where to start.. there are just so much to say, because there are just too much that i have felt about this one "thing".. but i cant do shit about it so thats why i decided to write.. i'm not sure what benefits this brings but i hope that something will happen soon that will stop this little "nightmare"..

i can't stop thinking about this person since..everything has changed since then..in the beginning i thought that there was hope.. and soon it would be all over.. but i was wrong.. it was the beginning of a new life i guess.. a life that i wish i'd never have to be in.. im still trying to arrange words in my head to write this shit..

every single day since then i never stop thinking and praying deep inside about this person.. because of how much this person mean to me, i cant get over the fact that things are so different now..and i don't think i will ever accept that fact.. everything i do, most places i go to reminds me of the good and bad times ive had together with that person..

i miss that person.. i miss all the shits we did together.. i miss getting naggings from that person.. i miss receiving advises from that person although i may not like the advises that person gives in the beginning.. but at the end, i knw what ever that person says makes a lot of sense.. i don't think that anyone could replace that person..

to be honest , i did was inspired by that person.. that person was like an example to me in certain ways and i knew i could trust that person.. that person tought me and reminded me to put my family first in my list of priorities.. and also to stand up for what i believe in.. that person also tought me to be strong and not to be afraid to be myself.. not to be who im not.. and so much more that i probably could write a book...

but now things are so different.. i cannot imagine hw are things gonna be for the next few years.. its like astho that person has dissapear.. has been kidnapped.. has been taken away.. i don't know that person anymore.. that person is like a total stranger..

its hurts alot to just think about it.. everytime i have to talk about that person or even remember about the good times we shared, growing up together, i cant stop myself from feeling depressed, sad, angry, emotional, and at the end tear.. i felt like ive lost a fren, my best fren, someone that is so dear n close like my sister..

i didn't think that this would affect me so badly.. but yes it did.. and it really hurts alot.. more then anything else...

all i could do now is just continue to pray... to hope and to have faith.. i cannot give up on that person.. although i know its almost impossible to get back that person.. i really miss that person, and wish i could have another day, to spend together with that person as who that person was..

by,
valene

-out there-

2008-04-30T00:38:00.004+08:00

a deep voice within speaks
my unpeaceful mind thinks
what else could this lead me to
other than just some horrible reality
souls are lost and minds are wondering
going through a face in life
i cant understand just why
its all in the mind of the way people think
the thoughtless decision that are made
do they even know?
everything is boggering me
shattering hearts are cryin
voice screaming from inside
compressing all there is to feel
ignoring all the pain thats real
silently its killing you
with too much of anger within
lost of identity and dignity
you can never replanish back
unworthy selfless way of thinking
wake up! its not a dream
stop living in denial
its all real and final
this selfless act will bring you down to the grave
realize what this have done to you
think about it and go home someday
its what that will save you..
they love you, you should know..
come back home they miss you so..

-my little pain in me-

2008-04-09T20:53:00.004+08:00

look at me and see have you made me to become..
i cant understand what ever youre trying to pronounce..
every word you said..
you made me a price to paid..
i cant see anything anymore..
your feeling seem to be as cold as i cant imagine no more..
i hate it when you do this..
everytime when youre blinded by misserable feelings..
you just bring me to my darkest moment...
you install feelings and stole my confidents..
all that i had and all that i felt..
you took it all away before i could even kept them..
i cant take it anymore..
its just making me blow..
give me a break..
i cant stand this misserable state..

you can say..

what ever that pleases your mind..

let me walk away..
from this darkest pain of mine...

9.11pm
9 april 08

-gone-

2007-12-04T20:49:00.004+08:00

theres so many things i want to do

so many words i want to hear

you brought me here

i trusted you with everything

i ever had for me to survive

but you shattered it all

and left me to cry

without empathy you were like ice

as you spoke you nothing was ever nice

is there an answer to all these questions?

or do i have to wait and see what else is instore?

i cant tell anymore what i longed for

it faded away the day you walk away

my heart's desire is deteriorating

i cant feel no more

i wish i could wake up one day

having to know that youre home

and you will never leave me again

-december 2007-

-hurt-

2007-12-02T21:08:00.000+08:00

Everytime i try to forget
You bring memories of hurt
back to my life
Every single one of it i remember
I guess it all became apart of me
till the day i die

Do you even notice the frown
On my face its written all over
The words that you throw
at me i just don't want to bother
anymore of whatever
If that makes you feel so much better

*
Read me, Tell me
What do you see inside of me
The little cuts that you have made
Brutally you have hurt me
Not knowing of the price you paid
For my smiles you burried away

Coldly your mouth just speaks
Your words that invades
my little comfortable crib
Where i kept myself away with
a little self confidence
But you took it all away

**
as i sit alone and cry in the dark
I'll wait for everything to fade away

-broken spirit-

2007-11-22T21:48:00.000+08:00

i kept thinking and thinking..
but i dunno what is really bothering..
in my mind at most time..
i cant find an answer to this little massive vine..
crawling all over my head
confusing me with this unsure price i paid..
i just dunno where do i stand
im loosing my mind with all this unseen pain..
wanting so much to be walked
in this faithful journey i have..
without knowing whats coming up
all i wanna do is just make a difference in myself before my last breath..
theres not idea of what do i feel
its killing me through this beautiful catastrophe
i need to hold on to build my self-confidence..
for me to keep moving on and be consistent..

22 November 2007
10:21pm

-invisible cut-

2007-11-17T11:38:00.000+08:00

hearts as cold as ice
feeling all mixed up..

whats the price for a broken glass?

will i be able to mend it back?

soaked up in my sugar coated blood

my own tears deep down inside..

i suppress and build a hurricane flood..

i don't know how do i kill the pain..

you don't see my sheer looking heart

burried in me permanently..

how and when you tear it apart

as you speak right through me..

looking outside the window

my day is gonna end soon

gloomy as it looks when i think of my sorrows

take it away and hand me a clue...

14th November 2007

-agony from resentment-

2007-11-05T22:15:00.000+08:00

I've found myself in this walk of anger
where I don't know who am I anymore

so much to pour, no where to run

Its all eating me inside out

my open wound my bleeding soul

I don't know what else to do

all that I could imagine

I can hear my anger talking to me

Slit my wrist cut my throat

Bury myself six-ft underground alone

Dive into revenge

and tear my heart apart

I hate myself having to suffer in this gloomy life

as i die in my own sinful lies

a vision of a burning ground

watching arguements and frowns

shouting and screaming from deep within

keeping everything else to myself

my thoughts, my feelings and my fears

especially having hurt by the ones so dear

I don't want to look back anymore

all that I felt before

my tears and my cries

everything under my bed of lies...

5th Nov 2007

9.40pm

-my lilttle chronicle-

2007-10-30T09:31:00.000+08:00

my journey through this tale in life
seem like there is no light at all

so gloomy and and freaky

the road i journey dun seem to have an ending

an infinity vision of winding roads in the night

when i suddenly wake up and scream

in a nightmare i dream

my future i see i woke up in agony

suffocating in misery

tortured and torn apart in loneliness

and i dunno where i stand..

as i walk to the endless road

i was painted as i am to be

my chronicle clearly i could see

not interpreted theres no explaination
i cant think of a way out from this fear
i feel so suffocated breathing the air from beneath.

finish:5th Nov 2007

10.07pm

-sucidal notes-

2007-10-09T21:46:00.000+08:00

i look around me

searching for something that don't even exist

as i dive into my bed of sorrows

i saw myself drowning in my miseries

everything that i do or say

just hurts myself in many ways

there are a thousand dreams that is being shattered

my broken spirit i give up to being murdered

as i fade in a gloomy illusion

my soul stayed up and awaits

for something i don't know
for a reason for me to move on
as i hide behind the shadow of my grave

my soul is mindless as i search for what i crave

No more fears no more hurts

my fragile heart is just full with cuts

i felt so cold deep down inside

as i bleed to my next life..

8tH OCT 2007

10:15AM

-my crib-

2007-09-25T20:28:00.000+08:00

Blown away by coldness

the deepest frustration beneath my soul

Sliced through my vains,

its not impossible for you to obtain

I can see it so clear especially

when you are near..

Your stare just blinds me

just like a bullet of an M16..

I know you didnt meant it to be,

but im deeply hurt unfortunately..

With dried eyes i cried

I isolate myself from this cruelty

Thinking so hard till the day i die

What else is there instore for me..

I would run away and hide,

anywhere away from this misery..

You have invaded my life,

my life and my pride..

As i lie here watching my dreams collide

You have no idea i feel deep down inside..

23rd sept 2007

2:50pm

-a Dine iN sOrrOws-

2007-09-20T22:34:00.000+08:00

it took only a second to flash back memories..
when guilt look at me straight into the eye..

the pain and hurts that brings back old stories..

and the joys that burst up in the sky.

the cuts are invisible..
the sufferings of a lonely heart..

recalling back moments of disabled..

the words of a broken heart.

glorious times passed real fast..

when love glimps in the river of life..

laughters and tears, sorrows and fears..

when stolen heart is just filled with lies.

clueless mind in a sorrow dine..

surrounded with smoky questions why..

eating up all the pieces of happiness that was left behind..

as millions of bleeding hearts cry.......

20 sept 2007

11.45pm

-under the heaven's glory-

2007-09-14T17:39:00.000+08:00

a vision of love in my mind i see,
a thousand smiles in faces each day,
millions of tears rolling down lovers cheek,
i just wonder what would they say,
so many things happening around me,
i counted the five wonders in a person i see,
to smell, to see, to taste, to hear and to feel,
the sweetest thing a lover can be,
the words that comes out,
could be as sweet as honey,
especially when they say out loud,
it makes a lover's heart melt like candy,
many questions seem to crowd my mind,
i looked all around for an anwer to my questions,

mysteriously and quietly i find,

a sign that could be my inspiration,

true love would stand by their sides,

through good times and bad,

moments of laughters and tears,

especially when they whole the wine glass and cheers,

every moment will they cherish,

till the end of their lives they pledge,

their promises shall not parish,

under the graceful heaven's light.

16 sept 2007

5.47pm

-aisle of misery-

2007-09-12T20:46:00.000+08:00

as i walk down the aisle of misery,
i saw myself trembling in darkness,
a picture of whats ought to happen to me,
the moment of silence just kept me still,
looking around to find a clue,
nothing i could find but shadows that made me blue,
suffocation and frighten in terror,
please leave me alone forever!!
i cant walk on this journey anymore,
im in pain and i feel small,
this nightmare seem so real,
what more could this reveal??
i can see no light a head of me,
but a picture of my life flowing down a stream,
as i stood next to the aisle of misery,
my life is just a mystery,
standing on the path of darkness,
reflecting on all my pass,
i dont see a tomoro,
but all thats in my mind is rivers of sorrow,
seeing my future been shattered,
i lost hope and nothing else matters,
get me out of this walk of gloom,
i just want tis to end really soon.

9.46pm
12 sept 2007

Perfect Dream

2007-09-10T19:58:00.000+08:00

i stared at this screen,
as i write bout a dream..

that seem so perfect,
but yet i dunno is it worth it..
everything that ive ever wish for,
probably be waiting for me at the heaven's door..
not knowin whether or not i could survive,
in this world i would have to really strive..
the sweet memories flashing through my mind,
all the laughters and tears countless times..
i feel closer then ever to angel's arm,
the warmness touch the beauty and charm..

there is no other place i could imagine,
as perfect and supreme..
i cant figure out whats next in my dream,
i guess im too naive then ive ever been..
with words that is so gentle and calm,
it just melts my heart just like sugar and rum..
as sweet as cookies and cream,
is this just a dream??
feels as comfortable as a crib,
dun wake me up from my permanent sleep..
10 sePt 07
9.50pm

-LeGatO-

2007-09-07T22:02:00.000+08:00

as the notes hit the keys,

on the piano as smooth as the sound of bees,

i cannot explain or decribe,

my happiness deep down inside,

as the words are sang to me,

i felt like the sorrows in me were all set free,

it's tune just made me smile,

it's music just made me pause for awhile,

the graceful sound is just perfect,

all i wanna do is just lay back,

altho the scores seem so complex,

but somehow the music just makes me relax,

everything is so clear,

as i listen carefully and hear,

what a master piece this song is,

its so filled with love and bliss,

the high and lows,

the musics still flows,

i aint wan the rhythm to end,

cuz life will be meaningless then.

7th SePt 2007

11.18pm