the walk of shame

i embrace myself today
to this moment i reflect
have i lost my mind?
i asked myself
or maybe i have lost myself
this battle inside i'm fighting
all this feelings of shame
i keep it to myself
no where to go no where to hide
possibly the worst ever
i'm not sure of what i should do
no one knows, no one to talk to
i feel this burning shame deep within
something that i cant run away from
i hate myself i hate my life
i guess i understand the consequences
maybe this is my punishment
so quiet my hearts so lonely
but no tears can make this right
i want to stare into nothingness
and walk my pain away,
smoke a cigarette or two
as the breeze comforts me.
sounds like a great plan
who knows maybe i can find a little peace there.

it was just a dream..

I was thinking about her

Thinking bout me

Thinkin bout us (us)

What we gunna be?

Open my eyes, (Yeah)

it was only just a dream...

i wish it was just a dream..

cause then i can just open my eyes and all the pain would disappear!

its that moment again..

well this the time when i need to let things out my chest and i have no one to turn to.. i hate the fact that i have to always end up this way.. why would you say no when you havent even try? why? i dont remember when i dont even try.. i just feel stupid.. the face the smile?why? i just feel so out of place.. maybe i am stupid. in times like this is when i need a helping hand is when you say no i dont know when you dont even try. i dont know.. maybe i cant take no for an answer.. or maybe im just desperate for an answer.. when it is not your work then its fun time for you and you seem to not give a shit. do you even care? i feel sad.. sometimes im just this annoying thing that you cant seem to get rid off because you love me so much. but wait is it love? or Lust? i wonder till today sometimes.. cause when you "need" me to then you come around when you dont, you just dont give a shit whether im doing well or not, or do i need help? i dont get it sometimes.. i know you've helped many times but its not that i am not aware.. i know sometimes im dependent on you, but doesnt it occur to you maybe sometimes i have no other choice.. oh god.. i dont know what else to say.. i just feel like screaming and breaking things.. punching a wall maybe.. or just drive onto a wall.. i feel so low.. do always gives a shit about having fun! give it a break there are more important things than having fun!

i guess this is time when i learn to keep pulling myself back together.. all that is happening.. are just crap..i just wanna go somewhere and disappear for a while.. look back to the sweet memories and move on to forget the bad ones.. but its difficult.. i'm tired of doing this.. i'm tired of feeling so shit..

everyone is changing.. mayb i am changing too.. my days seem so dull.. and boring.. everything seem black and white.. nothing exciting.. i love being at home but i hate it at the same time.. i want to go out but i dont want to.. i dont even know what i want anymore.. everything i do now is all because i have to do it..things that i want to do.. sometimes hurts me. not physically but maybe emotionally..

and honestly i dont know what else to write anymore.. this is crap too... im angry im sad.. im hurt im blur im lost, im dull and boring. i dont have any enthusiasm to do anything.. what the fuck!

-an image not to be forgotten-

As it was said in the Bible, " for God so love the world, He gave his only begotten son..for who ever who believes in Him shall not parish but have eternal life"(John 3:16)

He walked the journey of faith,

this land of impurities,

full of temptation and sin

He was a faithful servant of God

our God of mercy and love

Hes one whose full of Love

just like our God, hes always has open arms

reaching out to people in many ways,

touching lives that no one could imagine.

He is now at a better place,

for many of us, Hes like a "father, friend, brother"

He will never be forgotten

memories of him will we cherish till we meet him again..

Uncle Ben, may his soul rest in Peace!

the DOORMAT??

It doesn't matter anymore..

Because the words you say are just words..

Is it I who has to always compromise??

Or its up to You to decide??

Being put in a corner of Your mind..

I don't care its just fine..

I'm used to Your pathetic game..

Like i said its not mine for me to have the fame..

I'm not going to whine and complain..

I'll just bare with all the hurt and pain..

Your cold words and offensive responds

Gives you the trill in this worthless spawn..

How ever great of an appreciation I am..

Tell me again if I am even your FRIEND..

-the blank book girl-

it bleeds and weep i wandered off in pain

is there a way to ever stop it?

so much of love have been expressed

but do i still need to show?

so much anger is kept away

all because i have nothing else to say

it hurts so bad i cry inside

my cheeks are drench i wipe and wipe

the tears of heartache i hate to shed

who is this pale looking girl who wants to share

her joy, her smile,and her laughter's ,

her sorrows, her tears and her fears

pathetic she looked from across the street

standing all alone with a blank book indeed

pointless, and hopeless she looked away

all alone she wandered off again

no choice but to just move on

life is bitter sweet i should know by now

my words are left unspoken

worthless i feel, my feelings are eaten

she's always in the wrong i guess

punishment that is what is best

emotionally she is weaken by love

just say what u want and prove your points

it doesn't matter what ever you want to do

just do as you please and get it through

my heart don't matter because i have no say

what ever i do i will definitely get the blame

i try so hard to contain everything

but i know someday i will burst and go insane

-silent-

In this moment of other’s bliss

A part of me is drowning in my own sorrows

I cant understand why or how

My feelings are just unstoppable

I try and try to contain all in

But at the end it all just explodes inside

It hurts me deep within

I cant continue lying to myself

At this point of life

Never have i thought of a time like this

I never thought i need them

but now i realize and i wished have some

its crazy and its disturbing me mentally and emotionally

i have no one apart from him

i guess its just my destiny to live a life like this

im just a mistake thats all i knw

a mistake that cannot be made right

-my lost-

a walk to remember

for all the times we were together

as i took a walk down to memory lane

seem like it was just yesterday

the laughters.. the smiles..

the journey has been miles..

flashes of bliss

moments i will always cherish

the bumpy ride we had

all the tears we shared

till the very last moment

we bared with all the torments

i had no idea how much it hurts

to loose somethings that means the world

seeing that being sailed away

has made me paralyzed inside in many ways....

-unforgiven-

in a mess that no one could see
i drown myself in my own misery
i look back to reflect all my deeds
and i see that theres nothing left for me
i cant figure out how do i move on from here
the airways are all block with my fears
the moment that i decide to soar
i fall and i lost it all
now as i sit and express my inside
im stuck in the middle like a floating kite
everything suppress and lock up within
there i go with a fake mask with loads of pins
tyring so hard to hide from thee
i cant prolonged this grief in me
broken arrows and spoken words
are just as meaningless as my world
the feeling of impair i kept away
my mortal soul has gone astray
im standing here statically
wishing if i had a second chance to correct my deeds.

23march2009
2.44pm