i guess this is time when i learn to keep pulling myself back together.. all that is happening.. are just crap..i just wanna go somewhere and disappear for a while.. look back to the sweet memories and move on to forget the bad ones.. but its difficult.. i'm tired of doing this.. i'm tired of feeling so shit..

everyone is changing.. mayb i am changing too.. my days seem so dull.. and boring.. everything seem black and white.. nothing exciting.. i love being at home but i hate it at the same time.. i want to go out but i dont want to.. i dont even know what i want anymore.. everything i do now is all because i have to do it..things that i want to do.. sometimes hurts me. not physically but maybe emotionally..

and honestly i dont know what else to write anymore.. this is crap too... im angry im sad.. im hurt im blur im lost, im dull and boring. i dont have any enthusiasm to do anything.. what the fuck!

-an image not to be forgotten-

As it was said in the Bible, " for God so love the world, He gave his only begotten son..for who ever who believes in Him shall not parish but have eternal life"(John 3:16)

He walked the journey of faith,

this land of impurities,

full of temptation and sin

He was a faithful servant of God

our God of mercy and love

Hes one whose full of Love

just like our God, hes always has open arms

reaching out to people in many ways,

touching lives that no one could imagine.

He is now at a better place,

for many of us, Hes like a "father, friend, brother"

He will never be forgotten

memories of him will we cherish till we meet him again..

Uncle Ben, may his soul rest in Peace!

the DOORMAT??

It doesn't matter anymore..

Because the words you say are just words..

Is it I who has to always compromise??

Or its up to You to decide??

Being put in a corner of Your mind..

I don't care its just fine..

I'm used to Your pathetic game..

Like i said its not mine for me to have the fame..

I'm not going to whine and complain..

I'll just bare with all the hurt and pain..

Your cold words and offensive responds

Gives you the trill in this worthless spawn..

How ever great of an appreciation I am..

Tell me again if I am even your FRIEND..

-the blank book girl-

it bleeds and weep i wandered off in pain

is there a way to ever stop it?

so much of love have been expressed

but do i still need to show?

so much anger is kept away

all because i have nothing else to say

it hurts so bad i cry inside

my cheeks are drench i wipe and wipe

the tears of heartache i hate to shed

who is this pale looking girl who wants to share

her joy, her smile,and her laughter's ,

her sorrows, her tears and her fears

pathetic she looked from across the street

standing all alone with a blank book indeed

pointless, and hopeless she looked away

all alone she wandered off again

no choice but to just move on

life is bitter sweet i should know by now

my words are left unspoken

worthless i feel, my feelings are eaten

she's always in the wrong i guess

punishment that is what is best

emotionally she is weaken by love

just say what u want and prove your points

it doesn't matter what ever you want to do

just do as you please and get it through

my heart don't matter because i have no say

what ever i do i will definitely get the blame

i try so hard to contain everything

but i know someday i will burst and go insane

-silent-

In this moment of other’s bliss

A part of me is drowning in my own sorrows

I cant understand why or how

My feelings are just unstoppable

I try and try to contain all in

But at the end it all just explodes inside

It hurts me deep within

I cant continue lying to myself

At this point of life

Never have i thought of a time like this

I never thought i need them

but now i realize and i wished have some

its crazy and its disturbing me mentally and emotionally

i have no one apart from him

i guess its just my destiny to live a life like this

im just a mistake thats all i knw

a mistake that cannot be made right

-my lost-

a walk to remember

for all the times we were together

as i took a walk down to memory lane

seem like it was just yesterday

the laughters.. the smiles..

the journey has been miles..

flashes of bliss

moments i will always cherish

the bumpy ride we had

all the tears we shared

till the very last moment

we bared with all the torments

i had no idea how much it hurts

to loose somethings that means the world

seeing that being sailed away

has made me paralyzed inside in many ways....

-unforgiven-

in a mess that no one could see
i drown myself in my own misery
i look back to reflect all my deeds
and i see that theres nothing left for me
i cant figure out how do i move on from here
the airways are all block with my fears
the moment that i decide to soar
i fall and i lost it all
now as i sit and express my inside
im stuck in the middle like a floating kite
everything suppress and lock up within
there i go with a fake mask with loads of pins
tyring so hard to hide from thee
i cant prolonged this grief in me
broken arrows and spoken words
are just as meaningless as my world
the feeling of impair i kept away
my mortal soul has gone astray
im standing here statically
wishing if i had a second chance to correct my deeds.

23march2009
2.44pm

nightmare of a dream

i fell asleep one day,
and woke up in a nightmare..
all dark and silent..
i couldnt hear even the wind..
i was lost..
how did i ended up here..
so many questions..
they were all haunting me..
destroying me inside out slowly..
a nightmare that i cant escape..
i feel my legs being chained..
my mouth been shut..
i cant move..
neither breath like i should..
everything seem so slow..
i feel so cold from within..
i kept on walking..
there was no end..
all i could see is a pitch black windy road..
so deep it flows..
i couldnt imagine where does it go..
i forgot all my step..
i left myself in my dreams..
reality hates me,
im like the empty vase..
i cant wake up from this..
i feel insanely in pain inside..

Details in a Fabric

where do i start..
the fabric??or the details??
theres so much that the fabrics has..
and the details are just so hard to understand..
no words could define..
its just so beautiful..
yet deep in the fabric there are thorns..
piercing through the details..
breaking every single tread that holds the fabric..
how much passion in the details..
perfect embroidery to go with the perfect fabric..
but the details fading..
slowly it has to go..
i cant never understand the taylor..
or should i call it the artist..
theres just so much to comprehend..
no one can possibly understand..
it was once glowing..
but now it has been washed off the fabric..
washed off by the rain..
during a storm in a gloomy day..
and now the fabric is empty..
it has lost its beauty..

christmas..

tell me again what is christmas..??
i kinda feel the spirit of christmas fading.. somehow people around me doesnt appreciate christmas as much.. or maybe they do but in their own ways of not sharing the spirit of christmas by spending time with loved ones and family and also doing things together.. i dont knw how to express my feelings.. but i can tell im not really enjoying this christmas month.. i hate it cause every year is the same shit for my family...dad comes bak n takes us for shopping n bla bla bla decorate the tree and he leaves and then christmas comes.. we go to church and then open presents and bak to normal.. thats it.. and so i thought this year would be diff since my dad will not be coming back.. we'll be going over after christmas.. and we get to do stuff that we never did before and have fun with each other... but i realize things are just almost the same.. theres no togetherness at all.. i feel like christmas is a burden to people.. all they wanna do is get done with it quick.. and sometimes just doing for the sake of doing it.. and then when it comes to presents.. christmas is not about presents.. but at the same time when u plan to get something for someone.. think first is it relevant... if it is not.. might as well dont give... cause its not about the presents.. its whats your intention before you even think of getting someone a gift.. i knw i sound like im bebeling alot.. but this is true..

honestly i just wan an awesome christmas..i want to experience what i should have experienced when i was a kid..my dad never cared about christmas.. to him he thinks he can buy me love.. which he is so wrong.. cause theres so much more that he could have given as a dad.. but he never and maybe cause he couldnt or he didnt knw...oh well i cant do anything right... in my head this whole time is a picture of all my loved ones together decorating and preparing the home for christmas.. and while this is happening we are all so happy that the picture seem so perfect.. but i guess i can never be in that picture.. i dont knw what else to do..

i feel so kid-ish but i guess thats how i am.. i value alot of things.. and alot of things are all based on priciples.. what ever u do is all about the priciples u applied..ohh well.. christmas.. tell me again if u know what does christmas means.. ???